Admitting Loneliness

Wrote this a while ago and totally spazzed on publishing it…have fun reading through my thoughts from over a month ago…

I read an article last night in Scary Mommy about the loneliness of motherhood. And I just felt like bursting in tears. Ok, yes, I’m pregnant, so almost anything makes me cry these days. But I think I would have shed a few tears even if I didn’t have pregnancy hormones coursing through my body.

This past week has been particularly hard. I literally only left my house six times in the course of the whole week…six times! And a third of those times I didn’t even get out of my car, I was simply picking my son up at school. You know you’ve had a rough week when the highlight of the week was running to the store to pickup up more diapers at 7pm on a Friday night.

I sit here at a nearby coffee shop only a semi sane women on my 7th outing this week as my husband graciously offered to stay home with our two sick boys so I could just leave the house. He tried to get me to go out last night, but let’s be honest, where is a five month pregnant women going to go on a Saturday night at 8pm? Target was my only option and I’m pretty sure I would have blown our whole bank account while trying to blow off all the pent up energy I had from the week.

This past week started off with a snow day on Monday and I had a big project to turn in so we stayed at home while both my boys were watched by a friend on mine. Then just as luck had it, my youngest got a stomach virus the following day and spent all week recovering. And off course just as he was doing better and we were about to embark on our fun weekend plans that would relieve my cabin fever, he got sick again. Bye bye weekend plans.

And even though my boys are still learning the art of sharing, our youngest had absolutely no problem sharing his stomach virus with our oldest last night. So here I am slightly grumpy (if you haven’t notice) and will probably will have to keep my oldest home from school tomorrow. And so starts off another week homebound.

So going back to the article from last night…I think it triggered a feeling I had all week. I was surrounded by tiny humans and my husband all week, but I frankly just felt lonely. When your kids are sick its just one of many ways moms get isolated from the rest of the world. Because when your kids are sick, a mom might as well be sick too.

No playdates, because who wants to risk their kids getting sick. No trips to the store or errands, because why risk more germs or worse, your kid throwing up in the aisle at the grocery store. No trips to the playground, because while the kids have cabin fever, they are also too lethargic to go outside. No reprieve with even work phone calls, because my kids were trading off being up and needing something. And then there is only so much Daniel Tiger or Cat in the Hat that can be watched before we all go insane. Or before I feel guilty that my 15 month old has watched more TV in a week than my 4-year old did in his entire first two years of life.

So I wish I could end this post with an upbeat message along the lines of  “yes motherhood is lonely, but motherhood is also soooooo rewarding.”

Ok, yes it is. Yes, I know this is a short season of life…you know the whole saying the days are long, but the years are short. I know I am going to miss my four year old asking me to carry him back to bed. I know it will be just a short time before my youngest stops lifting his arms up high so I can pick him when he is uncomfortable and just wants to lay his head on my shoulder.

Yes, motherhood has so many sweet moments and is rewarding. But at this very moment, I am waving my white flag. I am saying I am defeated. I am tired. And I am lonely.

And you know what, I am okay admitting that. Because, you precious mom who are lonely as well, need to hear it too.

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